Saturday, April 2, 2016

No One Gives a Fuck About Your Feelings Bro

Sometimes I criticize myself too hard that I forget how long I have come. Yes I am grateful and thankful for all the things I have. I live in one of the best cities in the world. I am able to travel and run around the world. I am able to work on my entrepreneurial dreams. Seems simple and easy. But what I and most people going through similar feelings forget is, how we got here and what we have gone through to get here and stay here. Yes we don't want to focus on the drama yet it is how we deal with the drama is what makes all the difference.

I don't credit myself enough for all the sacrifices I made to get here. These might not be the greatest sacrifices and might pale in comparison to the things that kids go through in developing countries like India, Africa and other countries but they are still sacrifices. They were sacrifices I made when I was very young and had to stand up for myself.

I haven't been an obedient son always and I still I am not but if there are few things  I feel good about myself, they would be 
  • I paid for my sisters wedding  just to see my dad happy.  (this is quiet common for Indian sons who are "settled" meaning have a good paying job to take the responsibilities of the dad, so this is not anything special of me, most of my cousin, uncles and most people do it, I thought it came little early for me but no big deal). By the time I got out of college, I was in deep debt because of my student loans and with the help of my cousins I was able to keep the debt under control without hefty interest rates. I was very focused to clear off my debt, staying in places which were less than 100 sq ft, controlling my young urges NOT to buy that flashy Audi S4 which I was crazy about. Till today I don't have a car. With focus and persistence I almost paid off my debt only to be given the News my sister was getting married. Weddings in India are a big deal and an expensive deal. I took loans to pay for my sisters wedding just to keep my dad happy and stress free. I respect my dad for all the sacrifices he made to send me to a boarding school while he was going through a lot in his own life making sacrifices personally and professionally. I thought this was my pay back time. But my pay back time came very early when I was young and had no clue of what responsibility meant. But I took the responsibility. 
  • One other thing I feel good about myself is I take care of the well being of my MOM. I take care of her financially. Most people in my family might not agree or value this and they might think "You calling her, talking to her is more important than just paying for her care, hospital bill and expenses". I agree and they are right. The survival needs pale in comparison to the emotional needs of a human being. Unfortunately I am not emotionally intelligent or mature enough to take care of my moms emotional needs yet. Even taking care of moms survival needs were tough for me and it came very early but I thought that is something I might be able to take care and rightfully I did.  Again this is nothing special of me, most good sons in India take care of their parents and family. It is in DNA of India, family comes first.

Why do I mention these sacrifices ? For me to live a life of freedom I had to challenge the status quo. It is not easy. Challenging the 9-5 job lifestyle, challenging the "have a good job, good car, get married, buy a house and have kids" lifestyle. I had to go against the conventional wisdom and it comes with a price. Sometimes it feels like you are alone on this journey. There are days when you don't know where your next dollar is coming from or how you will be able to survive. You look at things to cutdown and costs to cutdown and there is only so much you can cut down on. Also if you look at some of the things objectively and from a pure financial perspective, some things might sound crazy. I spent lot of money on rent/housing which might be typical but I also spent lot of money on my travel and taking care of my mom which is not typical. It might be easy to say you made certain life choices and you have to deal with it. People or my critical brain could say "No one asked you to travel. The money you spent on travel could have been saved or invested or spent on something that could come in handy for emergency and you don't need to make sacrifices. 

Then comes the question am I living my life ? the life I want to live, the life I am passionate about. Am I living life or just existing ? Am I alive but dead ? Am I the walking dead ? Am I sleep walking?


Either way I made my choices to live minimally, to live against the status quo and will own my choice and life but acknowledge the fact that not many people including my critical brain give a fuck about my feelings or the sacrifices I made or they might pale in comparison to the sacrifices that most people make. They don't need to. I am living this life for me, not for my critical left brain or the people who don't give a fuck about my feelings or sacrifices.Yet they are my sacrifices and they are part of my journey called Lyfe (Living Young and Free Eternally).